When I was around six years old, still living at my old house in New Jersey, I distinctly remember having a moment of self-awareness. I was walking about our hillside backyard thinking to myself when suddenly I had a thought. “Who am I?” The question was much more loaded that it sounds. I can only describe my epiphany as this: it was like I suddenly realized that I was controlling my own body, that I was seeing everything around me from my perspective, like my eyes were now cameras filming a real-time documentary shot in first-person. I realized then and there that I must be the subject of some great story waiting to happen. Why else would I be here? Maybe I’m seeing myself in this life because I will one day be President of the United States? Maybe I have some great destiny, captured through the lens of my video-eyes, that will one day be worth watching by others. Maybe I’ll have a life that will really mean something.
In the five months since graduating Cedarville University with a degree in English, I’ve been pretty aimless. I had no job lined up or anything really planned for when I got back home to California. It was nice to have the distraction of the musical I was in for the first couple months of summer, but eventually reality caught up to me. I am an adult, I have bills to pay, I have a life to live, whatever that means.
I’ve always been afraid of the future. But I didn’t realize until post-graduations how much there really is to be frightened of. How long will I live with my parents? What kind of job(s) will I get stuck with? Will I ever get married and start a family? What am I doing with my life and how do I get there? (Can time machines be a real thing now?)
As a Christian, I know the “Christian answers” to many of these questions. Yes, I know that I should strive to glorify God in everything I do, but what do I do? I know that I am supposed to trust God for future things because He has seen the future and knows exactly what it looks like, but I sometimes wish I could just be there already. I don’t like looking into the ominous black void of my future that every day seems just one day away. At school the only future I had to worry about was homework and what classes I would be taking the next semester. The real world is totally different than I expected, and much scarier.
I am reminded of a great quote from the TV series Merlin: “No young man, no matter how great, can know his destiny. He cannot glimpse his part in the great story that is about to unfold. Like everyone, he must live and learn”
In my mind I still have a little bit of that call of destiny that I first noticed when I was six: that call to greatness. I realize that I must take the slow path, making mistakes that will help me to learn on the way. I suppose only God knows where that path leads.
To Teach, or Not to Teach?
After about a month and a half of subbing in the school district here I’m really not sure I want to be a teacher, even though I know it’s what everyone wants or expects me to do. Every time (and I mean every time) someone asks me what my major was at college and I reply “English,” they always respond with “Oh, so you want to be a teacher?” To which I inwardly reply: “……..”
Now I’ve known for a while that this probably isn’t something I want to do for a job, but now I’m becoming more convinced of it. I signed up to be a substitute teacher partly for the money (school bills start coming next month) but mostly for the experience. I guess maybe I want to humor the people who assume I’m going to be a teacher by putting my foot in the water and seeing what a job in education is like.
Last week I had a particularly hard class to sub for, but I endured it as I always do by taking in the knowledge that I likely will not have to sub for this particular class again anytime soon. But at the end of that school day I got talking with a teacher there who explained to me that substitute teaching is one of the hardest jobs in the world, saying that she would only be a sub if she depended on the money to keep from starving. But she also encouraged me to keep at it. Subs are in big demand right now, and they’re really an integral part of the education system. That convinced me to stick around for a while longer, though I’m still fairly certain I will only be doing this until, at the most, the end of the school year.
But as far as teaching goes. I’m still very unsure. I don’t know if my stubbornness is clouding my judgement - that I’m only against teaching because everyone expects it, or perhaps I seriously do believe that I’m not cut out to be a teacher, but I am conflicted by the expectations of others and of my desire to have some kind of job in writing for TV or movies.
Now I know that teaching and subbing are totally different, but maybe I’m just scared at the idea of being a teacher. I’ve realized after a few bad days of subbing, that I’m not great at controlling large classrooms. I don’t know how to be assertive, and I don’t like getting mad. (I was forced to act angry a few times in the musical I was in during the summer, but that was acting, and even then I didn’t enjoy all the shouting and negativity). I have realized, however, that I rather enjoy the one-on-one helping of students with their work. Maybe I can get some kind of a tutoring job or something.
I’ve recently been reading through Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë. After leaving school, the title character goes to work as a governess at an estate, where her main occupation is tutoring a young girl that lives there. As a part of the job, Jane lives in the beautiful old house that I picture as being in a vast English countryside surrounded by trees. She seems to get paid well and her job seems simple, yet rewarding. I wouldn’t mind a position like that.
Homecoming
I’m not a fan of flying at all, but last weekend I endured the agony, knowing that I would soon be in one of my favorite places again: Cedarville University. This last weekend was Homecoming so naturally I revisited my second home and my second family there. It was a really quick visit, but great nonetheless. I had a ton of people I wanted to see and I’m pretty sure I saw most of them.
I spent most of the time with my old bro/sis unit, but I also got to spend time with some Ohio family, including my brother who is still at Cedarville studying pharmacy. I really enjoyed playing boardgames with him and his friends, then watching an episode of Doctor Who with him.
During the trip I visited many memorable places on campus, including the library where I basically lived last semester. I also sat in on a class: History of the English Language (HOTEL for short). I had taken this almost exactly a year ago, so it was fun to revisit the material, as well as see the teacher again.
What was nice about my visit was that I was able to do many things with my friends that I couldn’t do my last couple semesters there (because I was busy writing 10-page papers every other day). It was cool, but also a little weird, to be in that environment again but not taking any classes. Another difference was that most of the guys I know moved to a bigger hall this school year, but it didn’t change too much. It was still mostly the same people, and that’s all that really mattered.
It certainly lifted my spirits to see all my friends again, and I’m sure them seeing me again made them happy too. I don’t really hang out with people outside my family when I’m home, because outside my family, I don’t really know people. I suppose that since I’m living here with no other current plans I should try to meet people in my area, but it was a pleasant distraction to be able to see my friends again.
Unfortunately I don’t know if I’ll be able to visit again in the near future. Plane tickets from California to Ohio and back are not cheap. But if you are one of my Cedarville friends reading this right now, know that you can always reach me for a text or phone conversation (if you have my number), or if you want to videochat/Skype (assuming the internet works here, which it often does not). In the meantime I’ll try to keep working on that bestseller so that I can buy you all plane tickets so you can come visit me for spring break next semester.
