At the end of this month is my birthday - I’ll be turning 30 on the 30th.
It’s hard to not make a big deal out of a birthday, especially when it’s the start of a new decade of life. I realize that at the moment the clock strikes 12 on my birthday there won’t be a sudden, dramatic change in my life - change comes gradually. Still, turning 30 is a milestone - a big, scary milestone. It comes with the realization that my life is going faster than I thought. Without comparing myself to others, have I accomplished what I wanted in my first 30 years? How much time do I have left to do all the things I want to do?
A few months ago I watched the movie Tick, Tick… Boom! on Netflix. It’s an adaptation of the Broadway musical by Jonathan Larson (most famous for writing the musical Rent), directed by Lin-Manuel Miranda (of Hamilton fame), and starring Andrew Garfield (known for being the second most recent Spider-Man actor). I had actually never heard of the musical until I saw the first trailer, but I was instantly intrigued. It was a great movie and ended up being nominated for two Academy Awards: Best Film Editing and Best Actor for Garfield (neither of which won).
The songs were all very good, but one that especially stuck out to me is the first song “30/90” which deals with the main character dreading turning 30. The song is catchy, but the lyrics set up the theme of the story extremely well. The words that especially resonate with me I’ve chosen to delve deeper into, but the whole song is worth listening to.
“Freeze the frame - Back it up
Time to refocus before they wrap it up”
These words from the first verse reference making a movie, comparing it to wanting to pause his life, go back a few years, and focus on putting his time and effort into something that is worth living for, so that by the time he turns 30 he doesn’t regret any decisions he’s made. I often feel that if I could go back in time I wouldn’t have decided to major in English. Maybe instead I should have gotten a degree in film studies or musical theater (or not gone to Cedarville at all). I know it’s not good to think in “would have, should have, could have”, but I have a hard time trusting that God has everything under control when things haven’t happened the way I would have liked them to happen and the decisions I’ve made in the past don’t seem to have any helpful effect on where I am now. And I realize that in the real world, time travel is not possible; you can’t do anything about the past except learn from it. Rather than going back in time, the thing to do is simply continue forward in time with the new knowledge I have and the with the wisdom of those older than me.
“Why can't you stay 29
Hell, you still feel like you're 22
Turn thirty 1990
Bang! You're dead,
What can you do?”
Like Larson I sometimes wish I could stay in my 20s, I do honestly feel like I could still be 22. I know I probably still look like I’m 22 (which I’m sure I will appreciate even more with age). But Larson doesn’t just want to stay 29, he is genuinely afraid of turning 30. He’s afraid that, like a ticking time bomb, his life will be over before he’s managed to create something of value that will bring meaning to his life. Eventually Larson rose to prominence by creating the show Rent, so it’s nice to know that it worked out for him. Unfortunately I don’t have the luxury of knowing exactly how my life is going to turn out (again, another potential use for a time machine). To use another musical as an example, I feel like Alexander Hamilton - writing like I’m running out of time, because I don’t want to throw away my shot. I don’t want my life to be full of risks I never took and adventures I never went on - a life unfulfilled.
Later in the song Larson also makes reference to Peter Pan and Neverland. He wishes he could be like Peter Pan and never age, but really he is like Captain Hook - always afraid of the “tick tick” of a clock and the impending doom that comes with it. I don’t know if I’m more like Peter Pan or Captain Hook in this analogy, but I do love Peter’s mindset when it comes to growing up. The song “I Won’t Grow Up” from the 1954 broadway adaptation of Peter Pan (starring Mary Martin) has this great line:
“If growing up means it would be beneath my dignity to climb a tree
I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up
Not me!”
The older I get, I hope to always have that same mindset - that same youthful spirit. I don’t want to worry about what others will think of me or regret not doing certain things just because it’s not what others are doing. Say what you want, I’m climbing that tree.
On a related note, the comedy/musical special Bo Burnham: Inside, which was also released on Netflix, also featured a song about turning 30. Simply called “30”, this song is more of a cynical, self-deprecating take on turning 30 - it compares where he is at that point in his life to where other people were at his age. A few years ago this may have been something I would enjoy listening to, but now I am really trying to avoid that kind of thinking. If I am spending all my time constantly comparing myself to others, I will never have any time leftover to focus on myself. And why feel down on myself when it feels so much better to be confident?
I was in a pretty rough spot a few years ago after having lost several jobs, but I’ve definitely developed a better sense of self-worth and confidence since then. I just hope that my confidence now isn’t completely based on my career. I’d like to say I have a confidence in God and that He was the one who helped bring me out of my hole, but I don’t even know what that means. I could very easily write an entire blog post about my complicated relationship with God and the role He has in my life. It would detail my upbringing in a Christian household with a Pastor for a father, growing up homeschooled, attending my family’s church, dealing with the fallout of a devastating church split, going to a Christian university, coming to a realization that my faith this whole time has likely just been my parents’ faith, and finally realizing that I don’t even know what I have personally, but I’m trying to find it. I still consider myself a Christian, but I am trying to find out what following Jesus is really like. Let me know if this is something you would be interested in reading, but don’t expect it anytime soon. I’m like an Ent from The Lord of the Rings: “You must understand young Hobbit, it takes a long time to say anything in Old Entish. And we never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say.”
That’s likely why it’s taken so long for me to write a post with actual life updates. The last time I posted on here with an actual life update was more than two years ago. In between then and now I have tried and failed many times to write a new blog post. I have several drafts of half-written blogs, all with varying topics: work, theater, politics, religion, pop culture, and my personal life. I want to portray an honest version of my life through my words, but I also want my blog posts to be timely. I don’t want a blog post filled with stuff I did years ago, I want them to be about where I am right now. I can’t remember everything I had previously written in the abandoned blog posts so I am starting fresh with where I am in life (though I may have to include a little bit of background for some stuff). The main problem I run into with my writing is that I typically focus so much on the flow and organization of my writing, that I could spend up to three hours on just three paragraphs (which I have done). And since I very rarely update Instagram and Facebook, you are likely all here to read about what’s been going on in my life.
I’ve been feeling pretty good lately about my job at Target. Last you heard from me my employment there went from seasonal to regular. Since then I have worked a variety of places in the store, mostly at the front end. I was guest attendant for about a year (I got carts from the parking lot), I’ve worked at the check lanes, at the service desk, and outside doing drive-up orders. I also typically work one day a week in Style (usually in Men’s or Shoes) and one day a week in Cash Office (where I handle thousands of dollars by hand). Recently I have also worked filling in as front of store leader, where I am in charge of the front of store team and keep an eye on the check lanes. It’s nice to know that Target trusts me and likes me. It’s a good, reliable job, and I’m a good, reliable worker.
Because Target likes me so much, my supervisor recently recommended me for a front of store Team Lead position at a different Target store in the area. This is something that I have done several times anyway while filling in for other team leaders at my store. I have experience training team members from all areas of the front, and I’m great in my interaction with guests, so I feel like I could be a good fit. It would certainly be a much harder job, but I am up for the challenge. I had an interview on Monday for the job, and I felt really good about it, but I still haven’t heard back. The executive team lead who interviewed me told me I would hear back by the end of the week and I still haven’t heard anything, but I’m cautiously optimistic.
One possible downside to getting a team lead position is that in having more responsibilities, it may be harder to participate in local community theater. My last stage performance before I started working at Target (and before all the theaters shut down) was Prince Caspian (which I wrote about in a previous blog). Two years later, I have now finally returned to the theater in Little Women, a musical adaptation of Louisa May Alcott. I play John Brooke, Laurie’s tutor and a close friend of one of the March sisters, I won’t get more into it than that, but you can find out more by going to see it in person (tickets can be purchased here). The show opens the 29th of this month (the day before my birthday) and runs for 3 weekends. There will be a show on the night of my birthday as well, and I’m almost certain that the cast has something planned for me…
During the COVID shutdown, while I was in the middle of weird shopping hours and having to deal with toilet paper-hoarding at Target, I participated in a few virtual productions. I played a couple small roles in a virtual production of As You Like It, which took place over Zoom, and was then recorded and released online. I also lent my voice to a couple audio dramas - War of the Worlds and The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, which were both very fun. I’d like to do more audio dramas in the future so I can show off my vocal talents (impersonations and such).
Now here’s where I am conflicted: Whenever I think about the future, I feel like I am constantly torn between two things, work and acting. My life right now is a balance between the two, but I fear that I am coming to a crossroads and I’ll have to choose one or the other. One path is far more practical and the other follows my passions.
As of right now, I am due to pay off my student loans in a little more than a year. However, if I get this promotion it would come with a bit of a pay raise, which means I could pay off my student loans even faster or even afford to move out and get an apartment. The nice thing about working with Target is that I have health insurance and retirement savings that I’m building up. The longer I stay with the company, presumably I’ll keep moving up and getting paid better. I could potentially have a future with this company until I reach retirement age. A steady job like that could provide money and security to maybe even raise a family.
On the other hand, I could drop everything, move to LA or New York City or Atlanta where I could get a job waiting tables while I audition for everything I can and hope that I get cast in something that pays well. It would definitely be best to pursue this kind of life now while I am young and unattached. But even if I am cast in something big that pays well, it would still only be a temporary gig. I would always be searching for my next job, which is a tiring process, and I’d have to find my own insurance.
Is it possible to go down both roads at the same time? If I am split between working and acting, is it practically possible to make acting my work? Sure, people do that. I don’t know how they do it, but they do. Why can’t I make a living doing something I love? I mean, yeah, Target is great, but after a few more years it may start to get to me. I could always try getting a job at a Target closer to a theater or movie studio and try to do both at once. I’m currently doing both right here; working at a local Target while participating in Little Women. My home life is almost non-existent when I’m doing both at once, but I feel alive when I’m on stage.
Being in Little Women has reminded me just how much I have missed being on stage. People sometimes ask me if I get nervous, but I’ve never really had a problem with stage fright. This may sound weird for a very introverted person to say, but I feel very comfortable on a stage in front of a lot of people. Part of it could be that when I’m on stage I’m not me, I’m the character. But at the same time, this is me. Those who only know me from one place like church or work only get to see one side of me. But when I’m on stage I really open up - I feel that I finally get an opportunity to express myself.
Writing is easily one of my strongest skills, and probably the best means I have of expressing myself, but theater comes close. I wish I could be more myself in other settings, but it’s difficult. Despite how it may seem sometimes, I honestly love to talk. I just don’t do well in small group settings where others’ personalities are more outgoing than mine (plus I’m usually too polite to interrupt). But if you were to get me one on one, I’ll open up like a flower finally getting sunlight after being stuck in a dark corner. Don’t be afraid to talk to me - I like the attention. When I’m being quiet in a group setting, it’s not that I’m socially awkward, it’s just that it’s not as easy for me to be social (though I can be awkward sometimes). Thank God for extroverted friends who invite me to things and ask me direct questions. I like being home, and I love it when plans are cancelled, but at the same time I love having friends outside my family.
I couldn’t really come up with a better ending for my blog post than this; I’m just honestly surprised that I made it this far and have something that I can finally post and be proud of. I think that’s about how I feel about turning 30. I might not be exactly where I thought I might be when I got this old, the paths I took to get here may not have all been the best roads to take, and I have no idea where I’m going next, but I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and I look forward to what comes next.
