Vice Verses

Just a heads up, this post is a little longer than others in the past. That’s because I’ve combined several drafts into one big post. For the sake of you, the reader, I’ve split it up into different sections just in case you don’t want to read the entire thing and are only interested in certain parts. However, when I write I like to have everything flow together nicely, so it really would be in your best interest to read the entire thing anyway.

Who am I?

When I was around six years old, still living at my old house in New Jersey, I distinctly remember having a moment of self-awareness. I was walking around our hillside backyard thinking to myself when I suddenly became aware that I was controlling my own body, and that I was seeing everything around me from my perspective. I realized then and there that I must be the subject of some great story waiting to happen. “Who am I?” I thought to myself. “Why am I in control of me? Am I seeing myself in this life because I will one day be President?” I felt then that I must have some great destiny, a story just beginning that will one day be worth re-telling.

From that moment on, I have always had this feeling that I was meant for greatness - a feeling that I am the protagonist of my own autobiography. I didn’t know this was something that other people felt until last year when one of my friends introduced me to the term “Main Character Syndrome”. The term refers to the feeling where someone envisions themself as the central character in the story of their own life. While I don’t feel this to quite the degree that others have, this is a feeling I have felt my whole life, and is evident in my MBTI results as well.

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is a personality test that largely deals with how people perceive the world and interact with others. My results are INFP, which stands for Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving. This personality type is commonly referred to as the Healer, the Mediator, the Seeker, or the Dreamer. What I like about this personality type is that I match several main characters in fiction, including Frodo Baggins, Lucy Pevensie, Anne Shirley, Belle from Beauty and the Beast and Luke Skywalker. I also match with some famous real-life INFPs, including writers such as William Shakespeare, C.S. Lewis, and J.R.R. Tolkien; actors such as Tom Hiddleston, Johnny Depp, and Heath Ledger; and musicians such as Regina Spector, Kurt Cobain, and John Lennon. I feel that because I have the same personality as so many of these artists, I am meant to join them. Is that my destiny then, to become a great writer, actor, or musician? But if that isn’t my destiny, then what is? Is it something I have to wait for, or something I have to seize for myself?

For better or worse this feeling has grown inside me over the years largely because of my exposure to Disney musicals. Nearly every Disney animated musical has a protagonist I relate to. These protagonists typically sing what is referred to as an “I want” song, and I feel each of them deep in my soul. Like Ariel in The Little Mermaid, I want to be “Part of That World”. I want to be “Out There” like Quasimodo in The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I want to “Go the Distance” like Hercules. Like Rapunzel in Tangled, I also wonder “When Will My Life Begin?” And like Belle in “Belle (Reprise)”, I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell. But it’s not just Disney protagonists, it’s Broadway musical protagonists as well. I want to find my “Corner of the Sky” like Pippin, and I don’t want to throw away “My Shot” like Hamilton. Like Tony in West Side Story, I have a feeling that “Something’s Coming”, something good, if I can wait. And like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, I want to be somewhere “Over the Rainbow” where the dreams that I dare to dream really do come true.

Work/Theater

So what’s in the way of me achieving my dreams? I used to blame circumstances like lack of a job and annoying student loan payments, but really the blame falls on me and my lack of motivation to leave my comfort zone. Why would I risk going into the unknown when the known is safe and comfortable? I don’t want to stay here forever - I’d like to finally leave the nest, but I’m also afraid of falling. I’m not confident that my wings are strong enough to keep me in flight before I hit the ground. Because of this, another fear is starting to appear - a fear that my life will never be more than it is now. At present I seem content to do what I’ve done ever since graduating college: work low-paying jobs while living at home, slowing chipping away at my student loans, and participating in community theater to keep me sane.

I struggled for a while to find a stable job, but now I’ve been with Target for three and half years. Even then, I’ve recently been giving lots of shifts away because the work environment has become almost unbearable. It’s not my co-workers (who I actually like), it’s the scheduling, management, and lack of good leadership. After a few small raises the last few years I get just under $18 an hour, which isn’t nearly enough to support living on my own. Plus, for the amount of work I do there and for everything I’m trained to do, I’m worth much more than what they are paying me. But as much as I want to find a different job, I absolutely hate job hunting. It’s so tedious updating my resumé for each and every job application only to almost never get any word back regarding an interview. I was lucky to get the Target job when I did, and I was happy to get any kind of pay, no matter how small, but now I’d really like to get paid something more than $18 an hour, which will not be easy to find. I don’t have that much student debt left to pay (at least compared to others), but a new job would ensure I could finally take care of at least one thing that was keeping me stuck. I had been putting off sending more payments when I heard there was a chance it might all be cancelled, but that doesn’t seem likely to happen now.

I really wish I got paid to do theater - community theater is unfortunately all volunteer, otherwise I don’t think I’d be at Target any longer. Sometimes my work friends ask me why I don’t try to do this professionally. I typically tell them the same answer: a Target budget doesn’t even pay enough to afford living on my own here in the valley. Until I’m able to get a different, higher paying job, moving somewhere else where they have opportunities for acting professionally is out of the question. I wouldn’t even mind getting a job at a theater just working backstage - I’ve stage-managed for a few different shows now.

I enjoy helping out backstage and behind the scenes, but where I really thrive is being on stage. While Target drains me emotionally and physically, I get lots of energy from acting with my friends. You’d think it odd that an introvert like myself would feel this way about something that takes place in front of a large audience, but I love it. Theater gives people the chance to see me and hear my voice. In group settings I have a hard time being heard (which is why I prefer one-on-one conversations). But in theater, people literally pay to come, sit down, and watch me speak. It’s my best chance for people to see and hear me. And aside from blog posts, which I post far too infrequently, theater is my main way of expressing myself.

One of the reasons I enjoy performing live theater so much, is that it gets people to see another side of me. When I’m on stage, I can be anyone. The characters I’m typically type-cast as are sweet and innocent characters like John Brooke from Little Women or Charlie Brown, which mostly match my personality. However, I’ve also played a few more villainous roles, which are a ton of fun - the most fun so far being Lord Farquaad in Shrek the Musical. But I feel that I can easily do more than that. If given the opportunity I want to cry on stage - I bet I could do it. I can sometimes make myself cry while singing along with certain Broadway songs. But while I love singing, acting is more my strong suit on stage.

Recently, I’ve been very grateful to play Paul Bratter in Barefoot in the Park. While the character is similar to me in some ways, it’s also very fun to play a character which much more emotional range. In this comedy, Paul and Corie Bratter are newlyweds. The character I play a sensible and practical young lawyer while Corie is much more lively and free-spirited. While Paul gets excited about starting his new career, he gets easily stressed out by everything that he finds wrong with their new apartment. The way that I play him is that he is also very introverted - he is drained of all his energy after spending the entire evening out with his wife, mother-in-law, and upstairs neighbor. What follows that is one of my favorite scenes in the play - I have a whole argument with Corie about how the evening went and how we don’t have much in common. I almost never shout in real life, but in this scene I raise my voice in anger several times. There’s also a part in the next scene where I’m alone on stage for a couple minutes talking to myself, and I have a lot of fun with that as well. I won’t give spoilers in case you’d still like to see it. Tickets can be purchased right here on the website, in person at the box-office, or over the phone at 559-686-1300.

Relationships

While the romance on stage in Barefoot in the Park is all fake, I like that this production shows the audience that I do have a romantic side. I haven’t shared this with many people, but they likely have guessed already - I haven’t had much luck with romance. 100 years ago at my age I would have already been married with at least two kids, living in a house I own and working a single job that pays enough to support my entire family. That seems a little unrealistic in today’s world, but I would have thought I’d at least be married by now. My Dad got married when he was 40 - I’d definitely like to beat that record.

I’m sure part of it is that I’m introverted, maybe part of it is that I’m too picky. But I think it’s more than that. Those that know me know that I’m a quiet and humble person, so I have a hard time “marketing” myself. That applies to both job applications and dating - I’m not great at speaking well of myself because I’m afraid of sounding vain, even though some self-confidence would go a long way in getting a better job and/or getting a girlfriend. I typically tend to believe the lies I tell myself: I’m too old, too inexperienced, too quiet, or too awkward. It also doesn’t help that nearly every time I work up the courage to ask a girl out I get shot down. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, or what girls are necessarily looking for in a guy, but I have enough self-confidence to know that I’m a catch. 

I’ve tried a few dating apps, but I don’t like them all that much. I prefer meeting people face-to-face. I like to see not only how they interact with me, but how they interact with others. Also, a lot of people only use dating apps to hookup with other people or causally date. I don’t like the idea of only casually dating because I’m not interested in investing my time, energy, and emotions into someone who isn’t also looking for something more lasting.

And one more thing while I’m on the subject: the phrase “nice guys finish last” has unfortunately always been true for me, and I hate it. Why do girls always go for the “bad boys”? I don’t want to completely change my personality just to get a girlfriend - I want her to love me for me. I’m just tired of people only seeing me as nice, polite, friendly Michael. Yeah, okay obviously these aren’t bad traits, and there’s nothing wrong with having them, but I am so much more than that. I’m not saying that I’m a bad person, just that I have much more depth than it seems if you would just take the time get to know me. I realize I am very much an introvert, but if people looked much closer “they’d find out there’s so much more to me” (and yes, I stole that from “One Jump Ahead (Reprise)” from Aladdin, yet another Disney protagonist song I relate to). I want people to see the real me, not just the me that people always see. Yes, it’s good to be nice, polite, and sweet, but I also have a great sense of humor, I am an excellent listener, and I have a keen sense of adventure - I want to do things! For example, I see pictures of abandoned buildings taken over by nature and it fills me with a sense of longing, of adventure! I want to go to these places - I want to be in these places where so many stories, so many lives happened. The idea of stepping foot in a place where no one has set foot in decades fills me with a sense of wonder and excitement - I think that’s why I like the Indiana Jones movies so much. Of course it could be the other way around. Maybe I want to go to these places because I want to be like Indiana Jones: the adventurous protagonist searching abandoned places for long-lost treasures, only to find that the real treasures were the friends he made along the way.

Just a little nerdy

Speaking of Indiana Jones, I have to share just a little bit of my nerdy side as well. For those that don’t know, I am extremely interested in movies and movie-making. I love watching behind-the-scenes extras for movies and TV shows. I like seeing how certain shots are accomplished, or how actors prepared themselves for their roles or scenes. I’m also just a huge fan of the stories as well: my bookshelf is organized according to all my favorite franchises - Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, Harry Potter, and of course, Indiana Jones.

The upcoming fifth (and apparently final) installment of the Indiana Jones series, Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny is easily my most anticipated movie of the year. Unlike many fans, I have enjoyed every movie in the series, even Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which the majority of loud and outspoken fans seemingly hate. It makes me sad that because of all the backlash, Dial of Destiny will likely not reference the characters or events of Crystal Skull in any meaningful way. It’s the same sad treatment fans of the Star Wars prequel trilogy got when the Star Wars sequel trilogy had almost no mention whatsoever to the prequels but instead relied much too heavily on original trilogy iconography.

Aside from seeing Harrison Ford as the legendary character again, one thing that excites me about Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, is that it is highly speculated to include time-travel in some capacity. This will likely be polarizing for for the majority of Indiana Jones fans, especially those who disliked the sci-fi elements of the previous film; but as a huge fan of time-travel fiction myself, I couldn’t be more excited. And as much as I will miss Steven Spielberg behind the camera for this film, I believe James Mangold will do this film justice. Granted, his only films that I’ve seen are Kate & Leopold, The Wolverine, and Logan, but his previous film,  Ford v Ferrari was nominated for several Academy Awards, including Best Picture, so I’ve got high hopes.

My second most anticipated movie of the year is what will likely be the penultimate film in the Mission: Impossible film series: Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One, as well as it’s sequel which releases next summer. This is a series which has only gotten better and better with each installment (except for 2 and 3, which weren’t as good in my opinion). The most recent film, Mission: Impossible - Fallout I would consider to be one of my favorite movies of all time. The action and the stunts are outstanding as always, but this film also has great character and story moments, plus some of the best music in the whole series. These films are also great at building tension. Fallout especially has some excellent moments of suspense that I won’t spoil here in case you haven’t seen it. It’s a movie that I can’t stop watching once I start it, and I am eagerly anticipating its sequel.

I generally try to see all my favorite franchise movies on opening night, but the funny thing about these movies is that they both open on show nights for Matilda the Musical, the next show I’ll be doing after Barefoot in the Park closes.

Religion/Christianity

Now here’s the big one. I have written extensively on the topic of God, Christianity, and faith, but I’ve posted almost none of it on here. I have draft after draft of unpublished posts talking about this subject. I honestly don’t want to shake the faith of those who are true Christian believers, because they seem like good people. I want to be like these people, but I don’t want to be fake about it - I want to be sincere.

What I’ve come to realize is that I’ve never really had my own faith, just the faith of my parents. My dad is a pastor and my Mom plays the piano for the services. I was raised on VeggieTales, Adventures in Odyssey, and Keith Green videos. I went to church, Vacation Bible School, youth group, and Christian summer camp because those were just the things that we did. I said a prayer at around 3 or 4 years old to accept Jesus in my heart, and I was baptized when I was like 13, but I didn’t feel any different before vs after I entered the water - it was just the next thing I was supposed to do. And this isn’t just me retconning my backstory to fit how I feel today - I genuinely felt that way back then, I just didn’t know how to put it into words.

The past several years I’ve come to realize that everything I grew up with living in a Christian environment gave me a lot of knowledge in my head, but I don’t know that I’ve ever felt it for real in my heart. I have all these facts but they don’t seem to mean anything other than answers to a Bible category on Jeopardy. When I sing worship songs in church, I’m just singing to sing - I don’t actually mean the words I’m singing, but I want to. I don’t want to be fake. If I don’t mean what I’m doing, then I’d rather not do it at all. I want to be genuine. I also used to pray all the time, but then I realized that I was just treating God like a magic genie. “Please God, give us safe travels today.” “Please God, heal my sick friend.” “Please God, help me to do well on this test.” I would pray little prayers like that all the time, but they started to feel like messages I was sending out into the void with no response. I may as well be wishing on a wishing star or holding onto a good luck charm. There’s no relationship with God in that - just me sending up a wish list, like a letter to Santa. In the rare times that I pray now the prayers are more like “God, if you’re out there, if you’re real, if you can hear me, please heal my sick friend because there’s nothing else we can do, and I’d figure I’d try this again. I know you’ll do what you want anyway, but I figured I would try this.” I obviously don’t ever get a response, because how can I? I don’t understand how people say they “talk with God” when there isn’t a person there you can see, hear, or feel to communicate with. The Bible tells of God talking to people through burning bushes or even a voice from heaven - why don’t we get that now?

The thing is, I’m unconvinced. I want to believe that everything I’ve ever been taught since I was a baby is true, but I want to believe it for myself, and I want proof. I often hear about Christians being persecuted for their beliefs or giving up entire aspects of their lives to follow Jesus - I just don’t see how it’s all worth the trouble. Preachers often speak about how the Christian life is full of persecution and hardship - why would I purposely choose something like that? If I am to dedicate my life to something like this, I feel like I need real, tangible proof that God exists or that everything the Bible says is true. It’s hard to put real faith into the Bible when it was written so long ago by so many different authors. What about the other books that were written that didn’t make the cut - who decided what stays and what goes? Who decides what is Biblical canon or not? The Bible says that it is the living, breathing, word of God, but is there proof of that outside the Bible? I’m not making a case for it either way, I just want to know. My parents and other Christians will tell me to just keep trying to read the Bible, but I’m not very motivated to when I don’t seem to get anything out of it. Maybe it’s like working out, I just need to keep at it to eventually see results, but I’m not convinced that the results are worth the effort.

If I truly became a Christian when I said the prayer with my parents when I was like 4 years old, then that means I’m going to heaven, right? I don’t have absolute proof either way, but I like to believe that there is an afterlife. And as much as I’d like to, I can’t say with 100% certainty that I will go to heaven when I die, and I don’t know how other people can say that with such conviction. What do they have to go on? Where does faith like that come from? How can someone have such assurance in something or someone they cannot see that if affects their whole being? I genuinely hope that my questioning and my doubting doesn’t draw others away from faith - I’m glad for those that have such strong convictions, I just want to know where they come from.

So if someone were to ask what my religious beliefs are, I would still say Christian. I just have to be sure to tell them I’m not like the loud obnoxious people who give real Christians a bad name - the ones who use the name “Christian” as a means to support their own politics or ideologies. Those people are also not genuine in their faith - to them, Christianity is a means to an end. These are the folk that make me afraid to speak publicly about faith at all. I still strongly support and believe Christian teachings and I know how to be a good person, I just don’t feel like a have a real relationship with Jesus like most Christians claim to have.

I need to discuss one more part of Christianity that I just don’t get. They say Jesus died for me so that he can have a relationship with me because he loves me. But what makes me special if Jesus died for everyone? It just feels to me like a free handout. Everybody can have eternal life if they want it. Cool, why not? Better than eternal death. Where is the relationship aspect of this? I sometimes cry in movies or TV when a character sacrifices themselves to safe someone they love - so why doesn’t Jesus’ sacrificial love make me emotional? Is it because I’ve heard the story so many times I’ve gone numb to it? There’s only so many ways the Gospel can be presented, and at this point in my life I’ve probably heard them all.

I know this period of doubting can only lead two ways - either I come through this stronger in the faith than I’ve ever been before or I continue to live on the fence, slowly letting it all fade away. I don’t think I could ever turn completely away from Christianity, but I am sick of pretending that everything is fine. To be honest, I want to believe. I’d like to believe that everything I’ve ever been taught since I was born is true. I just have serious doubts about the whole thing. I sincerely hope that I will come through this an actual happy and genuine Christian, not someone just going through the motions. I know that would make my family happy - I love them and want to make them happy. I just don’t see myself getting there anytime soon.

I’ll end this post with the lyrics for this Switchfoot song from 2011 that has been stuck in my head for the past several months. These words apply to basically every aspect of this post that I wrote about:

Vice Verses

Walking along the high tide line

Watching the pacific from the sidelines

Wonder what it means to live together?

Looking for more than just guidelines

Looking for signs in the night sky

Wishing that I wasn't such a nice guy

Wonder what it means to live forever?

Wonder what it means to die?

I know that there's a meaning to it all

A little resurrection every time I fall

You got your babies, I got my hearses

Every blessing comes with a set of curses

I got my vices

Got my vice verses

I got my vice verses

The wind could be my new obsession

The wind could be my next depression

The wind goes anywhere it wants to

Wishing that I learned my lesson

The ocean sounds like a garage band

Coming at me like a drunk man

The ocean telling me a thousand stories

None of them are lies

I know that there's a meaning to it all

A little resurrection every time I fall

You got your babies, I got my hearses

Every blessing comes with a set of curses

I got my vices

Got my vice verses

I got my vice verses

Let the pacific laugh

Be on my epitaph

With it's rising and falling and after all

It's just water and I am just soul

With a body of water and bone

Water and bone

Where is God in the city life?

Where is God in the city light?

Where is God in the earthquake?

Where is God in the genocide?

Where are you in my broken heart?

Everything seems to fall apart

Everything feels rusted over

Tell me that you're there

I know that there's a meaning to it all

A little resurrection every time I fall

You got your babies, I got my hearses

Every blessing comes with a set of curses

I got my vices

Got my vice verses

I got my vice verses

I got my vice verses

30/22

At the end of this month is my birthday - I’ll be turning 30 on the 30th.

It’s hard to not make a big deal out of a birthday, especially when it’s the start of a new decade of life. I realize that at the moment the clock strikes 12 on my birthday there won’t be a sudden, dramatic change in my life - change comes gradually. Still, turning 30 is a milestone - a big, scary milestone. It comes with the realization that my life is going faster than I thought. Without comparing myself to others, have I accomplished what I wanted in my first 30 years? How much time do I have left to do all the things I want to do?

A few months ago I watched the movie Tick, Tick… Boom! on Netflix. It’s an adaptation of the Broadway musical by Jonathan Larson (most famous for writing the musical Rent), directed by Lin-Manuel Miranda (of Hamilton fame), and starring Andrew Garfield (known for being the second most recent Spider-Man actor). I had actually never heard of the musical until I saw the first trailer, but I was instantly intrigued. It was a great movie and ended up being nominated for two Academy Awards: Best Film Editing and Best Actor for Garfield (neither of which won).

The songs were all very good, but one that especially stuck out to me is the first song “30/90” which deals with the main character dreading turning 30. The song is catchy, but the lyrics set up the theme of the story extremely well. The words that especially resonate with me I’ve chosen to delve deeper into, but the whole song is worth listening to.

“Freeze the frame - Back it up

Time to refocus before they wrap it up”

These words from the first verse reference making a movie, comparing it to wanting to pause his life, go back a few years, and focus on putting his time and effort into something that is worth living for, so that by the time he turns 30 he doesn’t regret any decisions he’s made. I often feel that if I could go back in time I wouldn’t have decided to major in English. Maybe instead I should have gotten a degree in film studies or musical theater (or not gone to Cedarville at all). I know it’s not good to think in “would have, should have, could have”, but I have a hard time trusting that God has everything under control when things haven’t happened the way I would have liked them to happen and the decisions I’ve made in the past don’t seem to have any helpful effect on where I am now. And I realize that in the real world, time travel is not possible; you can’t do anything about the past except learn from it. Rather than going back in time, the thing to do is simply continue forward in time with the new knowledge I have and the with the wisdom of those older than me.

“Why can't you stay 29

Hell, you still feel like you're 22

Turn thirty 1990

Bang! You're dead,

What can you do?”

Like Larson I sometimes wish I could stay in my 20s, I do honestly feel like I could still be 22. I know I probably still look like I’m 22 (which I’m sure I will appreciate even more with age). But Larson doesn’t just want to stay 29, he is genuinely afraid of turning 30. He’s afraid that, like a ticking time bomb, his life will be over before he’s managed to create something of value that will bring meaning to his life. Eventually Larson rose to prominence by creating the show Rent, so it’s nice to know that it worked out for him. Unfortunately I don’t have the luxury of knowing exactly how my life is going to turn out (again, another potential use for a time machine). To use another musical as an example, I feel like Alexander Hamilton - writing like I’m running out of time, because I don’t want to throw away my shot. I don’t want my life to be full of risks I never took and adventures I never went on - a life unfulfilled.

Later in the song Larson also makes reference to Peter Pan and Neverland. He wishes he could be like Peter Pan and never age, but really he is like Captain Hook - always afraid of the “tick tick” of a clock and the impending doom that comes with it. I don’t know if I’m more like Peter Pan or Captain Hook in this analogy, but I do love Peter’s mindset when it comes to growing up. The song “I Won’t Grow Up” from the 1954 broadway adaptation of Peter Pan (starring Mary Martin) has this great line:

“If growing up means it would be beneath my dignity to climb a tree

I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up

Not me!”

The older I get, I hope to always have that same mindset - that same youthful spirit. I don’t want to worry about what others will think of me or regret not doing certain things just because it’s not what others are doing. Say what you want, I’m climbing that tree.

On a related note, the comedy/musical special Bo Burnham: Inside, which was also released on Netflix, also featured a song about turning 30. Simply called “30”, this song is more of a cynical, self-deprecating take on turning 30 - it compares where he is at that point in his life to where other people were at his age. A few years ago this may have been something I would enjoy listening to, but now I am really trying to avoid that kind of thinking. If I am spending all my time constantly comparing myself to others, I will never have any time leftover to focus on myself. And why feel down on myself when it feels so much better to be confident?

I was in a pretty rough spot a few years ago after having lost several jobs, but I’ve definitely developed a better sense of self-worth and confidence since then. I just hope that my confidence now isn’t completely based on my career. I’d like to say I have a confidence in God and that He was the one who helped bring me out of my hole, but I don’t even know what that means. I could very easily write an entire blog post about my complicated relationship with God and the role He has in my life. It would detail my upbringing in a Christian household with a Pastor for a father, growing up homeschooled, attending my family’s church, dealing with the fallout of a devastating church split, going to a Christian university, coming to a realization that my faith this whole time has likely just been my parents’ faith, and finally realizing that I don’t even know what I have personally, but I’m trying to find it. I still consider myself a Christian, but I am trying to find out what following Jesus is really like. Let me know if this is something you would be interested in reading, but don’t expect it anytime soon. I’m like an Ent from The Lord of the Rings: “You must understand young Hobbit, it takes a long time to say anything in Old Entish. And we never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say.”

That’s likely why it’s taken so long for me to write a post with actual life updates. The last time I posted on here with an actual life update was more than two years ago. In between then and now I have tried and failed many times to write a new blog post. I have several drafts of half-written blogs, all with varying topics: work, theater, politics, religion, pop culture, and my personal life. I want to portray an honest version of my life through my words, but I also want my blog posts to be timely. I don’t want a blog post filled with stuff I did years ago, I want them to be about where I am right now. I can’t remember everything I had previously written in the abandoned blog posts so I am starting fresh with where I am in life (though I may have to include a little bit of background for some stuff). The main problem I run into with my writing is that I typically focus so much on the flow and organization of my writing, that I could spend up to three hours on just three paragraphs (which I have done). And since I very rarely update Instagram and Facebook, you are likely all here to read about what’s been going on in my life. 

I’ve been feeling pretty good lately about my job at Target. Last you heard from me my employment there went from seasonal to regular. Since then I have worked a variety of places in the store, mostly at the front end. I was guest attendant for about a year (I got carts from the parking lot), I’ve worked at the check lanes, at the service desk, and outside doing drive-up orders. I also typically work one day a week in Style (usually in Men’s or Shoes) and one day a week in Cash Office (where I handle thousands of dollars by hand). Recently I have also worked filling in as front of store leader, where I am in charge of the front of store team and keep an eye on the check lanes. It’s nice to know that Target trusts me and likes me. It’s a good, reliable job, and I’m a good, reliable worker.

Because Target likes me so much, my supervisor recently recommended me for a front of store Team Lead position at a different Target store in the area. This is something that I have done several times anyway while filling in for other team leaders at my store. I have experience training team members from all areas of the front, and I’m great in my interaction with guests, so I feel like I could be a good fit. It would certainly be a much harder job, but I am up for the challenge. I had an interview on Monday for the job, and I felt really good about it, but I still haven’t heard back. The executive team lead who interviewed me told me I would hear back by the end of the week and I still haven’t heard anything, but I’m cautiously optimistic.

One possible downside to getting a team lead position is that in having more responsibilities, it may be harder to participate in local community theater. My last stage performance before I started working at Target (and before all the theaters shut down) was Prince Caspian (which I wrote about in a previous blog). Two years later, I have now finally returned to the theater in Little Women, a musical adaptation of Louisa May Alcott. I play John Brooke, Laurie’s tutor and a close friend of one of the March sisters, I won’t get more into it than that, but you can find out more by going to see it in person (tickets can be purchased here). The show opens the 29th of this month (the day before my birthday) and runs for 3 weekends. There will be a show on the night of my birthday as well, and I’m almost certain that the cast has something planned for me…

During the COVID shutdown, while I was in the middle of weird shopping hours and having to deal with toilet paper-hoarding at Target, I participated in a few virtual productions. I played a couple small roles in a virtual production of As You Like It, which took place over Zoom, and was then recorded and released online. I also lent my voice to a couple audio dramas - War of the Worlds and The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, which were both very fun. I’d like to do more audio dramas in the future so I can show off my vocal talents (impersonations and such).

Now here’s where I am conflicted: Whenever I think about the future, I feel like I am constantly torn between two things, work and acting. My life right now is a balance between the two, but I fear that I am coming to a crossroads and I’ll have to choose one or the other. One path is far more practical and the other follows my passions.

As of right now, I am due to pay off my student loans in a little more than a year. However, if I get this promotion it would come with a bit of a pay raise, which means I could pay off my student loans even faster or even afford to move out and get an apartment. The nice thing about working with Target is that I have health insurance and retirement savings that I’m building up. The longer I stay with the company, presumably I’ll keep moving up and getting paid better. I could potentially have a future with this company until I reach retirement age. A steady job like that could provide money and security to maybe even raise a family.

On the other hand, I could drop everything, move to LA or New York City or Atlanta where I could get a job waiting tables while I audition for everything I can and hope that I get cast in something that pays well. It would definitely be best to pursue this kind of life now while I am young and unattached. But even if I am cast in something big that pays well, it would still only be a temporary gig. I would always be searching for my next job, which is a tiring process, and I’d have to find my own insurance.

Is it possible to go down both roads at the same time? If I am split between working and acting, is it practically possible to make acting my work? Sure, people do that. I don’t know how they do it, but they do. Why can’t I make a living doing something I love? I mean, yeah, Target is great, but after a few more years it may start to get to me. I could always try getting a job at a Target closer to a theater or movie studio and try to do both at once. I’m currently doing both right here; working at a local Target while participating in Little Women. My home life is almost non-existent when I’m doing both at once, but I feel alive when I’m on stage.

Being in Little Women has reminded me just how much I have missed being on stage. People sometimes ask me if I get nervous, but I’ve never really had a problem with stage fright. This may sound weird for a very introverted person to say, but I feel very comfortable on a stage in front of a lot of people. Part of it could be that when I’m on stage I’m not me, I’m the character. But at the same time, this is me. Those who only know me from one place like church or work only get to see one side of me. But when I’m on stage I really open up - I feel that I finally get an opportunity to express myself.

Writing is easily one of my strongest skills, and probably the best means I have of expressing myself, but theater comes close. I wish I could be more myself in other settings, but it’s difficult. Despite how it may seem sometimes, I honestly love to talk. I just don’t do well in small group settings where others’ personalities are more outgoing than mine (plus I’m usually too polite to interrupt). But if you were to get me one on one, I’ll open up like a flower finally getting sunlight after being stuck in a dark corner. Don’t be afraid to talk to me - I like the attention. When I’m being quiet in a group setting, it’s not that I’m socially awkward, it’s just that it’s not as easy for me to be social (though I can be awkward sometimes). Thank God for extroverted friends who invite me to things and ask me direct questions. I like being home, and I love it when plans are cancelled, but at the same time I love having friends outside my family.

I couldn’t really come up with a better ending for my blog post than this; I’m just honestly surprised that I made it this far and have something that I can finally post and be proud of. I think that’s about how I feel about turning 30. I might not be exactly where I thought I might be when I got this old, the paths I took to get here may not have all been the best roads to take, and I have no idea where I’m going next, but I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and I look forward to what comes next.

Battle of the Disney Remakes

A couple nights ago I finally got around to watching two of Disney's recent live-action remakes of classic animated films: Aladdin and The Lion King. I was cautiously optimistic, given that I’ve enjoyed some of the other remakes of late, but these two I had no idea what to think going in.

Aladdin vs The Lion King

First we watched The Lion King. Initial thoughts: there was hardly anything new in it. It seemed to me like almost a shot-for-shot remake (especially the opening scene). It was a weird experience. I obviously knew the story, the characters, and the songs, so it was a bit like seeing a familiar play, but with a different cast. Everything is the same except for the acting. The only re-cast role was James Earl Jones as Mufasa, who still gave a great performance, just not as energetic as his original vocal performance from 1994. The new Scar (Chiwetel Ejiofor) was nowhere near as intimidating as Jeremy Irons, and his “Be Prepared” song was weird and short. I liked that the hyenas were scarier. Timon and Pumbaa were not as funny, nor was their singing as good as the originals. Their only scene I thought was really funny was when they starting singing “Be Our Guest” as a distraction for the hyenas. Donald Glover did a great job as Simba, as did Beyonce as Nala. I thought it odd that “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” did not take place at night. I liked the new song “Spirit”, but I would have liked if they also included a song or two from the Broadway musical (which I actually saw on Broadway back in 2009). I was sad that Mufasa’s face didn’t appear in the sky. The original effects in the 1994 film were awesome, so it was kind of a missed opportunity to me to not have that in this one. The animation was beautiful, but I didn’t like that the facial expressions were not as vibrant. I guess that’s what they get for trying to make the film look photorealistic. Really, to call this a “live-action” film is kind of stretching it; even the recent Golden Globe Awards nominated this film for Best Animated Feature (which it didn’t win by the way). This movie still managed to make me cry in all the usual places, but I still much prefer the original film.

After The Lion King ended, we had a short break, then put on Aladdin. I was already more excited for this than I was for The Lion King, mostly because this would truly be a “live-action” remake - like with people in it. I am glad to say the movie did not disappoint. One of my favorite aspects of the movie is that it truly was a retelling of the original animated movie. Sure it still had the same basic plot, but the way it went from plot point to plot point was different, which I very much appreciated. It also didn’t reuse almost the exact same dialogue like The Lion King did. The performances were all excellent. Though nothing can beat Robin Williams’ Genie, Will Smith didn’t try to, and instead made his own version, which I loved. Aladdin and Jasmine had great chemistry and were also decent singers. I really liked Jasmine’s new song, but it didn’t seem to fit in that well with the rest of the movie. Jafar didn’t seem as evil in this movie, but he still did a good job with the part. I couldn’t take Abu seriously because he looked so fake, and every time I saw Rajah I just kept having flashbacks to The Lion King, which I had just finished watching. I thought it cool that Jasmine was able to become the next Sultan - she deserved it. I also liked that when the Genie was freed from the lamp, it turned him human, which is a neat idea. I liked that he got to have his own happy ending with Jasmine’s handmaiden (a new character that I greatly enjoyed). In general, I liked this film just as much as the original - though I can’t say which I like better. I look forward to watching this again sometime for a second opinion.

(Short) Reviews of all the Disney Remakes (so far)

While I’m on the subject of these two Disney live-action remakes, I thought it would be fun to give a breakdown on all of the recent remakes. For this list, I am only including the recent remakes, starting with 2010’s Alice in Wonderland. This list, therefore, does not include Stephen Sommers’ 1994 live-action adaptation of The Jungle Book (which I really like by the way), or either of the 101 Dalmations films starring Glenn Close. For this list I am including a one-sentence review, my score out of 10, whether or not I would watch it again, and if I prefer the original or the remake better.

Alice in Wonderland (2010)

6/10 - Weird, but entertaining. I would watch it again. I think I actually prefer this to the original.

Maleficent (2014)

7/10 - I remember liking how they changed the story. I would watch it again, though I still prefer the original.

Cinderella (2015)

9/10 - I highly recommend this beautiful, romantic retelling of the story. I would watch it again. I prefer this version.

The Jungle Book (2016)

6/10 - Visually pleasing (its effects won an Oscar), but otherwise just okay. I would probably watch it again, though I still prefer the original.

Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016)

4/10 - Even weirder than the first one, which is not a good thing. Someday maybe I’ll watch it again, though I’d rather just watch the original 1951 animated movie.

Beauty and the Beast (2017)

7/10 - A decent adaptation, though a little much sometimes. I would watch it again, though I much prefer the original animated movie.

Christopher Robin (2018)

10/10 - Beautifully recaptures the magic of the original cartoons, and features some excellent live-action and voice acting. I would definitely watch this again, and I like it just as much, maybe even more than the original Winnie the Pooh movies.

Dumbo (2019)

?/10 - I haven’t seen this one, nor do I plan to. I never really liked the original movie, but maybe I should watch that again, since it’s been a long time since I last saw it.

Aladdin (2019)

9/10 - Highly enjoyable and refreshingly original. I would gladly watch it again, and I like it just as much as the original.

The Lion King (2019)

5/10 - Too similar the original film, to a fault. I might rewatch it someday, though I much prefer the original film.

Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (2019)

?/10 - I haven’t seen this one yet. It seems like an unnecessary sequel, but I may watch it someday if I catch it on TV or if it’s on a plane or something. I’ll need to rewatch the first Maleficent before I do so.

Lady and the Tramp (2019)

?/10 - Haven’t seen it yet, but I might if I’m bored one day. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen the original, but I remember not liking it as much as the other Disney movies.

Upcoming remakes with release dates

Mulan - March 27, 2020

The trailer looks pretty good. It’s looking like it won’t be exactly the same as the animated film, which I’m glad about. Here’s hoping this will be a good one.

Cruella - May 28, 2021

Unless they go the comedy route like they did with the Glenn Close movies, I can’t see Disney making me feel for a character who wants to kill dogs just for their skins.

Upcoming remakes with no announced release date yet

The Little Mermaid

Lin-Manuel Miranda will be contributing some new music to this adaption starring Halle Bailey (not to be confused with Halle Berry). I’m excited for this one.

A sequel to The Jungle Book (apparently)

Not sure what they’re planning to do with this. I’d honestly much rather they make a sequel to Aladdin instead.

The Sword in the Stone

I remember liking the original movie as a kid, but I haven't seen it since then. Arthurian legend stories are cool, so they better not mess this one up.

Lilo & Stitch

I don't like the idea of seeing a "live-action" Stitch - I would think that would be creepy. The original movie is so beautifully animated, I would hate for them to massacre this one.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Seeing as Notre Dame was recently on fire, I don't know if this is good timing or bad timing. I love the music from the original movie, so I would hope this would be a musical as well.

Movies they really should actually do remakes of:

Atlantis: The Lost Empire

This movie is highly underrated, and would benefit greatly from the Disney live-action remake treatment. Moreso than other movies, this sci-fi adventure film would translate really well to live-action. Plus, the endearing characters make fan-casting this film a lot of fun. You'll see me at the Thursday night preview showing of this movie if they ever make it.

Treasure Planet

Another highly underrated movie, perhaps even more than Atlantis: The Lost Empire, this would also translate well to live-action. Unfortunately, this is a probably less likely to be made, since a larger budget would be required for all the space locations and alien characters.

(maybe) The Emperor’s New Groove

This one is iffy. The original film is one of my favorites, so it would be difficult to improve upon it. Kuzco's ability to break the fourth wall and talk to the audience is a bit like Deadpool, and those movies have done well at the box-office, so if Disney starts running out of ideas, they may turn to this one.

In Conclusion

Disney is, and will be for the foreseeable future, king of the box-office. That title was already pretty much guaranteed when all the Star Wars and Marvel Cinematic Universe films starting making tons of money. But when Alice in Wonderland and The Jungle Book both made about a billion dollars, Disney realized they had a new gold mine - remaking their old animated films. I'm okay with them, as long as they are more reinventions like Aladdin and Maleficent, instead of exact remakes like The Lion King.

Thanks to Wikipedia, where I got all my information. I like writing about this kind of stuff, but I'd love to hear your thoughts as well. Which Disney remakes do you like best? Are there any you prefer more than the originals? Are there any films you'd like them to remake, or any you hope they don't?

A Good Start

For the past several months my blog has been kind of dead, but then again, so have I. The quietness of my blog was due to the fact that I was not feeling up to writing anything. I was not in a great place - but now I have something to write about.

The last you heard from me, I had recently been fired (unfairly, in my opinion) from an after-school job. That had marked the third time in my life that I had been fired from a job. It's not something that looks great on a resume, nor is it something that inspires much confidence. That was April 11 last year. It was the start of a really awful six-month period in my life.

For the first couple months after losing my job I was continuing to pay my student loans, which ate through my savings extremely fast until I had nothing left. I then had to contact all the student loan companies to put all my payments on hold because I was unable to make any more payments. So I had no income whatsoever, but at least now I had nothing I had to pay.

Because I had no income (and at the suggestion of the very people who fired me) I applied for unemployment benefits shortly after losing my job. I waited a couple weeks, then found out that I had been denied. I knew I could have fought that decision and appealed to get my benefits, but I had assumed that it would take a lot of time and effort, possibly involving some kind of court hearings or something, so I did nothing. I realize now I should have fought anyway, but I guess I figured (or at least hoped) that I would be employed soon, or maybe I was just too depressed to care about it.

While looking into unemployment insurance, I came in contact with the local employment center - a free resource for job seekers in need of help. I ended up going there on a regular basis for several months, attending workshops and meeting with career coaches. In these workshops I learned valuable tips on how to improve my resume, how to better complete online applications, and how to succeed in interviews (especially when answering that pivotal question "Tell me about yourself"). I also learned from my career coach that eye contact is vitally important when meeting employers (or really when meeting anyone). This step, more than all the others, really helped me begin to regain some self-confidence.

At the same time I was visiting the employment center, I was also regularly applying for jobs online, visiting places in person, and even attending a few job fairs. I can't tell you how often I got the email saying something like "Thanks for applying but we've decided to go with someone else at this time." And out of the probably hundreds of applications I sent in, I only ever got around five job interviews.

It frustrated me (in fact, still frustrates me) how other people seem to find jobs so quickly and easily. Why can they get jobs and I can't? What's different about them? Or what's wrong with me? Even after all the help I had been receiving, I still wasn't seeming to make any progress. Weeks and weeks went by and though I was getting more confident in my job hunting abilities, I was only getting more and more depressed. It was now early October. I had now been unemployed for about six months.

Around that time, many businesses were beginning to hire seasonal workers to aid in the upcoming madness that is the holiday shopping season. Many of these companies had hiring events starting in early October, so I attended as many as I could.

On the morning of Friday, October 11, I attended a hiring event at Target. It was like many of the other hiring events I had attended: unorganized and frustrating. There were probably at least fifty people there hoping to get jobs, and everyone that attended was guaranteed an interview (which was the only way I was getting interviews anyway). Some stood better chances than others. Based on what I had learned in those workshops, I could tell just by looking around who was ready and who wasn't. I was ready. I had to wait almost three hours, but I eventually got my interview.

The interviewer started off by asking me about myself, a question I was well prepared for. I was then asked a few other questions, mostly about how well I get along with co-workers and with customers or guests. These questions I answered as well as I could, though I struggled a little. While waiting for those three hours, I had googled typical questions asked at Target interviews and was studying the best answers. I wrote down my own answers on my phone and had memorized them, which greatly helped. I thought the interview had gone as well as others I had, maybe a little better.

Apparently it was just good enough! The interviewer told me he would be moving me forward and then directed me to HR where I then discussed my schedule and when I might begin working there as a seasonal employee.

Finally, something good. After all this time, I finally won the job lottery. I was only hired seasonally, but I was happy to take literally any job. Part of me wondered "why now? Why did it have to take so long?", though most of me was just relieved my months and months of job searching had at last proven fruitful. Later that day I had another hiring event I was planning on attending - at Best Buy. I had my interview there as well, which I thought went just as well as my Target interview, but they did not hire me. It really honestly seems to me like a lottery.

It took a couple weeks after my successful interview before I actually had my orientation and began working. My official first day of work was Halloween (October 31). I was primarily trained to work the checkout lanes, though I was also taught self-checkout. On Thanksgiving I was scheduled for an eight-hour shift, which wasn't so bad because I was paid time and a half (1.5x my usual pay). I was also scheduled that day to work in Tech, an area I had expressed interest in when I first applied. I ended up working that day until 1:15am, which made me even more grateful that I was not scheduled to work that Friday (Black Friday).

After that busy evening working in Tech, I worked there several more times, including the entire week before Christmas, which was crazy busy. I worked full eight-hour days that whole week, so I was exhausted after all that. Fortunately I got to spend the entirety of Christmas day without having to leave the house. I worked the day after Christmas, and the day after that, but then I finally got more of a break.

As Christmas was approaching (and more so after Christmas), I began wondering what the state of my employment would be after Christmas. Seeing as I was hired seasonally, I was very unsure, and very worried, about what would happen to me once the store was no longer busy with holiday shoppers. Only a small number of seasonal employees are kept each year and I was really really hoping that I would be one of those. I could not stand to go back to where I was before.

On the 26th I asked one of the supervisors when decisions might be made about which seasonal employees would be staying on. She told me they had just had a meeting about it that day and would be letting people know next week.

Cut to about a week ago - New Year's Day. I was working a four hour shift when, near the end of my shift, one of the supervisors came into my checkout lane and told me that one of the managers needed to see me in his office for a meeting.

To say that I was nervous would be a huge understatement. I knew that sometime this week I would be finding out whether I would be staying or leaving, but the realization that I would be finding out in just a couple minutes had me shook.

As I walked down the hall, thoughts of all the mistakes I have made so far in this job came back to me, and did nothing to calm my nerves. I honestly had no idea which way the conversation was going to go. I certainly hoped I had done well enough - I certainly tried the very best I could. I hadn't missed a day of work, nor had I even been late for a shift, and I've always had a positive attitude while working my shifts. I just hoped that these qualities were enough to earn my keep here.

I entered the office, trying my best to hide my nervousness, and the conversation went something like this:

Manager: Well, I've got good news for you. As you know we only keep on a small number of seasonal employees, and based on your performance so far we'd like to keep you on. Would that work for you? Would you like to stay on?

Me (a little too quickly and eagerly): Yes!

I don't remember too much more of the conversation after that. He told me that my hours would be limited for the months of January through March (a slow time for them), but that I would still be staying on as a Guest Advocate (working in the checkout lanes). He also told me that I would able to pick up shifts in Tech as well, since I've worked several shifts there already. I shook his hand, clocked out, submitted a request for a new name tag (this time with my name engraved on it, rather than just a sticker on it, which is what I've had), then went to the parking lot and sat in the car for several minutes - still processing what had just transpired. I don't think I completely calmed down until after I got home.

I found out later that out of all the seasonal employees that were hired, only six were kept on. I cannot believe how fortunate I am.

TL;DR - I got hired seasonally at Target, but they decided to keep me on full time!

Finding out on the first day of the year that I am going to keep my current job is honestly a great way to start the new year. This is what I've been waiting for pretty much since graduating from Cedarville. After years and years I finally have a job that isn't temporary. It would be really easy right now for me to go on a large rant about how hard it is to find a job nowadays, but you don't need to hear that right now, and I don't need to think about that right now. I was trapped for so long in that dark place; now that I am finally finding my way out, I don't want to look back on where I've been. I feel like for a long long time I've been stuck. Now at last, I'm finally starting to budge. Sure, I'm 27 years old and still living with my parents, working a job that doesn't pay enough to support living on my own, BUT AT LEAST I HAVE A JOB. It's a good start.

In other news...

So how has my life been other than the usual vocational drama? I'm glad you asked.

In my last post, I expressed my desire to audition for a local production of Prince Caspian (since I missed out on auditions for the previous show, The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe). In the midst of my dark times, one of the few things that brought light to my life was that production of Prince Caspian. I auditioned and was cast in the role of Doctor Cornelius, Prince Caspian's tutor. Ironically it was not the first time I had been cast as a half-dwarf character. At least this time I didn't have to act on my knees.

Me giving Prince Caspian the magic horn of Queen Susan

I had a great experience being a part of that cast and that theater company. One of my favorite parts of rehearsals was that we practiced acting and improv skills in addition to learning our blocking for our scenes. I also greatly enjoyed that we got to do some stage combat in this play - something that I hadn't had any practice in since I took the class at COS back in 2011. Doctor Cornelius isn't necessarily a character that fights, but they made exception for me because I had previous experience.

Another aspect of the show that I enjoyed was the venue. Because the Enchanted Playhouse Theater Company lost their theater where they had been performing (due to, I believe, someone buying it from them or something), they had to perform somewhere else - and they chose the historic Fox Theater in downtown Visalia. It's a beautiful old building that seats far more than the old theater used to. I also thought it was cool that just about a week after the show ended, Switchfoot held a concert on the same stage where I performed. I had never seen Switchfoot live before, and I enjoyed the concert very much.

Our seats were just as good as what we had for the Owl City concert last year!

One encouraging part of Prince Caspian was the reception. I had a few different people tell me I was their favorite character in the show, and at least one board member from the theater told me he hopes to see me continue in other shows with them. It's always nice to hear things like that. I still also get people that recognize me from other shows sometimes. Most recently, two different people at Target recognized me as Charlie Brown from Encore Theater's production of You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown about a year ago.

In addition, both during Prince Caspian and afterwards I was contacted by people from both the Tulare Encore Theater and the Lindsay Community Theater about upcoming auditions for their shows, and how they wanted me to be in them. I have unfortunately had to turn down most of these acting opportunities, especially when I was searching for jobs, and even more so when I was in that period of limbo when I didn't know whether or not I would be staying at Target. I wanted to make sure I was available any and every day for work, just in case. Maybe now that I am officially staying at Target, I can once again help out in a stage production somewhere.

It's always nice to be wanted - I just wish that the people wanting me to be in their productions could pay me as well. I would still love one day to be able to do this kind of thing for a living, or at least as a side job that still pays money, but that is a nearly impossible dream. If it took me six months to even get a seasonal job, then another two months for them to decide they wanted to keep me on full time. By that math I won't get a job that I really really like and also pays well until I'm almost old enough to retire, and by then all my best years will have been spent. If I have to win a lottery just to be employed, how much more difficult will it be to get an actual career (especially one that I really enjoy)?

There I go talking about jobs again... As you can tell, I've got a lot to say about the subject. When I go off I really go off. I need prayer.

Prayer Requests

Pray that I would not listen to that evil little voice trying to create doubt and anxiety by planting questions in my brain like: "so how long do you think you'll last here before you get fired again?" Pray that I would be more receptive to hear the voice of truth instead. My mental health in general would be a good thing to pray for.

Pray that I would either be able to find an additional job to bring in more money, or just to be able to get more hours at Target. I very much desire independence. And also health insurance would be nice - I'd like to be able to go to the dentist again, or the optometrist. I would just like to have a steady, regular income so that I can begin to actually have a working budget.

Pray that I would pray more often. I still pray occasionally, most often when I'm feeling desperate, but I know I need to pray more than that. In general my relationship with God is not that great right now I guess. It's just kind of meh, which I know is probably not a good thing. I don't really learn much in church (and yes, I do pay attention to the sermon), and I haven't regularly read the Bible in a while. I attended a Bible study briefly last fall, which I enjoyed, but I was only able to make it to half the meetings (because of rehearsal for  Prince Caspian and also work).

Pray that I would be able to manage my time better. Because I work random hours and random days, I am unable to create a strict daily schedule, but I'd still like to have my days be more productive. I'd like to have time set aside for exercise, practicing guitar, and Bible reading. I don't even know when in the day to do those things.

Pray for my life. It's moving really slowly, and things are not happening the way I want them to. While yes, I am obviously extremely grateful and fortunate to be able to stay on at Target, I just find it annoying that it's taken me so long to get a job that others get at age 18 with no difficulty. I want my life to begin already - the way I want it to. God has given me dreams and abilities: when is he going to do something about them? I feel like I was made for more than what I am now. I can't stand to see others succeed when I have done basically nothing in comparison. Maybe I also need prayer to not compare myself to others - maybe that would make me happier. And patience - patience would probably be a good thing to pray for as well.

I have no idea who even reads my blog anymore, but thank you for reading and for praying!