Hamilton's America, Michael's Dream

While watching Hamilton’s America, a PBS documentary about Alexander Hamilton, Lin-Manuel Miranda, and the Broadway hit Hamilton, I sat there thinking the whole time “this is me!” Watching this documentary got me thinking; if Alexander Hamilton, a poor orphaned immigrant from the Caribbean, can rise up to become an essential figure in the foundation of the United States of America, and if Lin-Manuel Miranda, whose first job was at McDonalds, can be the writer and star of two different Broadway hits (the other being In the Heights), then I believe that even though I come from a lower-middle class family, I’m struggling to get a job, and I live in a small town no one has heard of, I can make it. But this documentary rekindled a longing inside of me - I want to be remembered. I want people to think of Exeter as “the place where Michael Newman lived” and Cedarville University as “the place where Michael Newman went to college.” I want not only to help put these places on the map, but I also want to prove to the world that I can make it; that you don’t have to come from a wealthy or famous family to become wealthy or famous. I want to prove all the naysayers wrong. (I also think it would be really cool to have my own Wikipedia page some day.)

In the song “Hurricane,” it is explained that even though a hurricane destroyed Hamilton’s Caribbean town, he was able to use writing to get out of his terrible situation and off to the American colonies. When Lin-Manuel Miranda was talking about this in the documentary, I was thinking “I can do that!” My last blog post, even though it was kind of sad, somehow got almost 100 more views than the previous most viewed post. This is probably because it was a sad story, and people on Facebook seem to be drawn to stories like that, especially if they have a lot of comments. But this sudden rise in readership got me thinking that I have the potential to write my way out of all sorts of situations, maybe even like the no-job situation I have now. I certainly have the zeal to write and achieve and accomplish my dreams, I just don’t currently have the means, the opportunity, or the knowledge of how to get started and where to go.

Sometimes I relate to Hamilton - I feel like writing is my strongest suit, and I will use that to rise higher and higher until I reach my goal. Most of the time, however, I relate to Aaron Burr, who watches everyone else his age become successful at what he wants to do, while he is still waiting for his moment. When listening to Burr’s song “Wait for It”, I feel and relate to his emotions so immensely that I could sing along at the top of my lungs.* (I feel similarly about Burr’s emotions in “The Room Where it Happens”). Sometimes when I’m vacuuming the sanctuary at church for my dad, I’ll plug in my computer to the sound system so I can play music and still hear it over the vacuum. When “Wait for It” comes on, I sing loud and really get into the music. I don’t need to worry about other people listening, because no one else is there, and they wouldn’t be able to hear me over the loud music or the loud vacuum anyway. Maybe this is like my version of singing in the shower.

“I am inimitable, I am an original.” These lyrics from “Wait for It” describe how I feel incredibly accurately. I love being unique, I thrive on being original. This is part of my motivation for buying a purple guitar; I wanted it to stand out. Maybe that’s also why I’m so different from my twin brother. And despite the fact that “Michael Newman” is almost as common a name as “John Smith”, no one else will ever be me.

“I am the one thing in life I can control.” I’ve recently been reading Failing Forward by John C. Maxwell, which has been giving me advice on how to have the right attitude about failing, and how to not let it drag me down. I seem to get discouraged easily, but this book, as well as Hamilton, has taught me that I am in control of my life. A surefire way to not make mistakes is to not try, but If I never tried anything, the world would just run me over. Mistakes are inevitable. But since I am the one thing in life I can control, I am the only one with the power to shape my life how I want it. So what’s stopping me from living my dream? I have no clue. I know that with God all things are possible, so I sometimes wish that He would fast forward me to the exciting part of my life already; the part where I am where I want to be. There are countless actors, writers, editors, and directors who are my age and already making names for themselves. I want to be in the room where it happens. I want to be part of their world. This is making me sound like a Disney princess, but it’s true. I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell.

Another part of the documentary that reawakened a sense of longing in my soul was when Lin-Manuel Miranda was commenting that he got to work on Hamilton in Aaron Burr’s house, as well as the houses of some other founding fathers. I can’t believe that he had such an amazing opportunity like that! It reminds me of a dream that I’ve had for a few years now. Someday I want to spend a semester or two living and writing in C. S. Lewis’ house, The Kilns. I visited there the summer of 2013, and I have been longing to go back ever since. Along with working in the movie industry, this is one of my biggest dreams. And it’s totally possible too. When fellow Cedarville students and I visited The Kilns, there were a couple people staying there as part of a sabbatical program or something like that. Maybe if I’m ever writing an important screenplay for a movie I’ll get to stay there.

As far as what I’m currently writing, I have a couple more blog post ideas which I may write within the next few weeks. I’m also gearing up for NaNoWriMo. This is going to be a huge undertaking. 50,000 words in 30 days - that’s almost 1700 words a day. I have some ideas, but no plot outline or anything right now. I don’t know if I’m supposed to have one or not; I’ve never written anything this long before. Some of the articles I’ve read about NaNoWriMo explained that sometimes in order to reach the word goal, writers have to take quantity over quality; the editing can be done later (which will be hard for me, because I usually edit as I write). I’m excited to try it. Will I make mistakes? Absolutely. Will I reach 50,000 words? I’d like to, but even if I don’t, I will still have written more than I would have if I hadn’t done NaNoWriMo at all. In order to make the deadline I’ll have to channel my inner Hamilton. “Why do you write like you’re running out of time?” Because I’m attempting to write an entire novel in a month.

*Maybe I’m just good at feeling the emotions of others, but I feel the same way about Johnny Cash’s cover of “Hurt,” which I initially heard when it was featured in the first trailer for Logan, the final Wolverine movie. Even though I don’t actually relate too much to the lyrics of the song, which seem to deal with getting older and realizing that past accomplishments don’t actually amount to much, I still felt incredibly emotional while playing it on guitar, especially after watching Johnny Cash’s music video for the song. I also love how well that song fits in with Logan’s storyline leading up to his final cinematic appearance (at least the final appearance of Hugh Jackman as the character).

An Unfortunate Job Update

Wednesday morning, September 21, 2016, I walked into work at the newspaper. Said hi to the graphic designer and hi to the editor. The editor’s walled-in office is right next to my desk, with a window right next to me so he can look into the workroom. Before I sat down at my desk the editor called to me through the window asking if I could see him in his office. I wasn’t worried until I saw him close the window, then shut the door after I entered the office.

“Take a seat” he said.

I reluctantly sat down in his chair, not knowing what was coming. Or maybe deep down I knew what he was about to say, but it just didn’t register at the time.

“So today I’m letting you go.”

Oh, so like I get the day off today? You’re letting me go early? I thought. That wasn’t the case.

I’m not sure exactly what he said after that, I could only pick up bits and pieces, but I got the gist. He said something like “It’s not anything you did. You’re a hard worker and a great writer, you’re just not a good fit for this job…”

I tried to ask again if it was something I did, or something I could have done better, but at that point I was not coherent enough to think or form sentences well. I was just trying not to cry in front of him as I handed over my key and press pass.

I grabbed a newspaper on my way out, possibly the last newspaper there to have my name in it, then the editor walked me out.

I shook his hand before we parted ways, because that seemed like something I should do. I thanked him for letting me work there for what little time I was there, then he closed the door, leaving me standing alone outside. I did my best to hold back my tears until I got to the car, and I mostly made it. I waited in the car for a while, waited until I felt able to drive, then headed over to church where my dad was working.

“Hi Mike, everything okay?”

I shook my head no.

“What happened?”

The secretary outside the office might have possibly been within earshot so I answered with a prompt and quiet “I got fired.”

My dad closed the door to his office, then the tears started flowing again.

“What happened? Why did they fire you?”

I tried to answer, but I was unable to form words.

He talked to me for a bit, prayed with me, then got back to work while I sat in silence on the couch.

I then had to go home and tell my sister, then my other sister, then my uncle, then my mom, then my brother. Each time I told them, I tried to say something different, but no matter how it came out, I didn’t like it; I still don’t like it.

I don’t have an answer. I wish I did. I wish I could have gotten more information that morning, but I was too emotionally compromised.

What does “not a good fit” mean? Did they not like me, or my personality? They clearly didn’t want me there anymore for whatever reason.

Should I have asked for a second chance? Should I still ask for that? They shouldn’t fault me for doing things incorrectly; they never really gave me a complete set of instructions in the first place anyway. They just sort-of put me out there and said “good luck.”

I do remember now the editor saying something like “you did the best you could have done at that job.” Did I really? How could I have improved? I like to think I take direction very well, and I know I could have done better if you told me what to work on.

That key for the office I had just put on that keyring. I had just updated my Facebook info to list where I now work. I had just finished reorganizing my desk and closet to make room for all the newspapers I was going to work on. I was just getting settled into a job that I greatly enjoyed, and now I’m back to the beginning, after only a month and 10 days.

So, I have to get a job again now; and I only have about a month and a half to find one before I have to pay another school loan.

I wrote the above paragraphs a couple days after I was fired, but didn’t bring myself to post it until now. I still haven’t found a new job yet, but I haven’t really even started looking yet. I don’t mean to seem lazy, it’s just that I’m feeling beat down, and I’m not sure how I’m going to get back up again. It took so long for me to get this job, and now I’m back to square one.

If I can, I’d like to get a job nearby again, that way I can still live at home and not have to worry about paying for an apartment.

But yeah, I’m just feeling kind of discouraged right now.

In other news, I’ve decided to try NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) this year. Every year, writers are encouraged to write 50,000 words during the month of November, mainly just for fun. I don’t have a title or anything yet, just some ideas. But I can’t start the official writing process until November 1st.